Honestly today was pretty chill. I learned the value of being laid back and relaxed while working. I realized that I have been overcomplicating things and thinking about things that don’t really matter. I saw how Mike pitched when he was working and It gave me a lot of assurance and confidence in what I was doing. It showed me that I have the skills and I have the right approach to things . All I need to do is 3 things , be casual and have more of a conversation with people , take the pressure off the sales , and indifferent body language.
Weekly Reflection - April 14-21 , 2019
First week back from vacation. Hit the ground running that’s for sure but I learned a lot this week. I felt this week was a reconnection. A reconnection to myself and what really makes me happy. I was able to participate in an art show and got to respark my love for art again. I got so many different ideas and perspectives on my art It was really valuable for me. I also realize now that i should be letting my art guide me instead of me trying to force it into something. I’ve enjoyed letting myself create rather than making myself create. It makes me feel a lot more connected to what I’m creating rather than disconnected. The only thing I struggle with in terms of creating is finding time for it. I make a lot of excuses of whether or not I can or can’t make something.
Which brings me to another point I was to bring to awareness. Is my obstacle of procrastination . I’m fully aware of it and many times I notice myself choosing to put it off. There are times where I don’t and I feel fired up and nothing stands in my way , but there are times where I don’t feel like doing anything. If i were to give myself coaching I would say to stop basing things off of how they feel. Because not everything is going to feel good to do. It may be uncomfortable or put you in a place that you;ve never been before and that’s the exciting part. As for the other situations where they feel good. Don’t chase that feeling there will be ups and downs you will learn how to push through it regardless and stay balanced.
In terms of being balanced I really think I’m learning how to connect more to my emotional side. At work when I’m knocking , I’m extremely good at creating a logical case for the people , however the emotional value it brings is my focus for this week. That’s what I feel is holding me back is my emotion factor when I’m knocking. I noticed yesterday when I was knocking is that I would be using the same tone of voice when I’d be explaining Shaw’s internet as I would in the close. Now I realize that most of my coaching has come from the place of “Don’t overcomplicate it” . But this is within the system that we are taught. I genuinely feel this is something I can improve on . I know what the pitch is I know what to say , It’s just how I say it. Saying certain words with emphasis and weight . Choosing which words to go down in energy on and which ones to go up on.
Is this me overcomplicating it now though?
Yes
….
Where does this analysis stem from?;
the logical mind
So where do I focus my efforts in terms of growth ?
On how you can start to train people.
Why do you want to train people?
I want to start training people because I want others to see the benefit this work has to offer. I want people to be able to break out of their comfort zone and tackle their anxieties and insecurities at the door. I want to train because I want to show others how to make money for themselves. I want to show people what It’s like to create a life for yourself in this way. I want to show people that they can create the life they’ve always wanted for themselves. All it takes is hard work. I want to inspire people to get up every morning ready to go and ready to grow . I want to teach people to be able to manage their financial situations and slowly learn to manage money like I did. I want to pass on the skills that I’ve learned so that they can benefit someone else. I want to be able to create lasting change in someone else that has happened for me. I want to prove to myself that I can advance to the next level in this job. I trust myself to reach the training leader level. I trust myself to reach 3 training sessions a week. I trust myself to be able to train and hit standards at the same time. I trust myself to hit standards this week. I trust the skills I’ve learned and the systems that guide me. I trust that I am able to perform this week. I will perform this week. Do I choose to give a half assed performance barely trying ? or Do i choose to give it my 100% in this job and succeed?
What does 100% look like ?
I smile at each and every single door. I am excited for the opportunity to help each and every person . I am indifferent whether someone wants to sign up or not. I value my time and do not waste it with people who aren’t interested. I walk fast and don’t stop knocking. I don’t EVER think about rolling a donut and what it’s going to be like at the office. I don’t EVER dwell on the scenario of what its like if I failed. I learn from each and every single day and get better. I match people’s body language and tonality . I implement urgency into my pitch by saying today, as well as by having the mindset that I don’t have time to waste. If they aren’t interested I’m not going to shoot myself in the foot by staying and trying to convince them. I don’t dwell and ruminate on what happened at the last door and what I could’ve done better. I don’t talk fast and slur my words together. I talk clearly and loudly . I talk at a comfortable pace. I push past people’s emotions if I truly think I can benefit them. I find what my customers problems are and work to fix them. I am there to serve the customer not myself. I am in the field to give myself the opportunity to create the foundation of my financial freedom. It’s is just my job to let people know about the opportunity and present it to them. I handle objections by repeating what they say reassure them it’s been handled and resume with the pitch. I use proper see factor and make eye contact with them and don’t look away.. I am enthusiastic and excited to find people I can help with their bills. I don’t take an hour long lunch or nap in my car because I don’t feel like it. I don’t text or call in between doors unless it’s to answer questions in the blast. I Focus on giving awesome presentations , amazing intro and short stories and confident closes. I DO NOT focus on whether or not I’ll make sales. I DO NOT worry about how much money I’m making. I DO NOT spend my time with people who just want to talk and don’t want to buy. I am honest in my work and don’t mislead people. I try to genuinely help each person that I meet with a problem they might have. I am intensely focused on the process rather than the result . I am centered , calm , yet energized.
Stay Humble Stay Blessed
April 21st 2019 Reflection
I keep this one brief because I do have to sleep here but I am disciplining myself. Not in a hurtful way but a constructive way. I do this because I learn from the experiences that I have in my day and also it helps me just to get into a flow state and express how I feel . It feels nice to have a space that I reflect on my day and learn from it. Today I really saw the other end of the spectrum if you mentally give up.. The other trainees really showed me exactly what not to do.
Morning Alignment - April 20, 2019
Top 3 goals for today
Present to 10 people
Complete a weekly reflection once I get home
Write out my intention for the day
How can I do better than yesterday ?
Choose to focus on the positive things in my life and choose to focus on how well the outcome can be instead of the negative situation. Read out my intention before starting this job every morning . If I know I can help someone to not give up on them.
What is a negative belief that you can replace?
I want to replace the belief that I am not fit for this job. The belief that I am not a salesperson.
What can you replace those beliefs with ?
I am perfect for this job and it is simple in nature. It’s true I am not a salesperson , I am just a scheduler.
What is your mantra for today ?
I will present to 10 people today whom I actually think and feel like I can benefit.
What do you love ?
I love the sun , the clouds, my bed, my habit to make my bed every morning , my willingness to be uncomfortable , the strength I have to take a cold shower, I love my art, I love the people I met at the art show , I love the people I work with, I love how Angele supports me , I love how my co-workers support me, I love how my mom makes me lunch sometimes without me even asking , I love how Isha is so passionate about yoga and is teaching me. I love how I do yoga in the mornings. I love how I learn something new every day, I love how this business is making me confront all parts of myself , I love how this business is teaching me the skills to succeed in the future
April 20th , 2019 Friday Reflection
I’ve been procrastinating on this for so long . I forget how valuable it is to my growth. It’s funny how you have to leave something in order to remember it’s there. I forget what rapper it is but, there’s this line “you don’t know what you got till its gone” . Getting side tracked is happens a lot to me now. My train of thought likes to wander . Just like Satnam said . It’s fucking crazy that the parts of my subconscious are reflected in the people around me. It’s almost as if that was a sphere of influence. So what was happening was that during the car ride back. I pushed myself to be vulnerable about how I was feeling in the car and it definitely paid off. Being open about how I felt about my day and how I would improve upon it. I enjoy doing the free flow riting its almost as if everything i say gets transferred to the paper and i can learn from my day ni such a deep dive kinda of way. I have been neglecting this side of me for a while. My feelings and my thinking are starting to align together. This job is making me slowly learn how to balance both sides of myself . Both the masculine and the feminine. The key is to gain energy from the field not use it up. I used to see going to the field as a draining experience, but now I’m starting to see that the field can be a very uplifting time rather than a depressing experience . I’ve come to learn to return to who I was before when I started this job. I realize now that the key to this job is not over complicating it. Just keep it super simple.
Another obstacle I became aware of in the field today was how I start imagining a scenario in my head and I’ll follow that vision that I set for myself. Today I saw how powerful that force was when I was working in the field. What happened was that around 7:00 hadn’t made a sale yet. I have been walking all day and in the rain although it was pretty nice. I really enjoyed it to be honest. It felt really refreshing to be able to just be out in the rain. but thats another topic . we’re getting a bit off topic here. The field learning right … So today I started imagining what would happen with my day. & It came true. I visualized the outcome I wanted and I ended up getting it. Weird how that happens. So my strategy is to create a feeling to attach to. NOt an outcome but a feeling . a feeling that will help guide me when I’m in the field. A guidance from the heart . A guidance from that gut feeling I have. I guidance from some intuitive feeling that I cant really explain when I feel like doing this from this state. I dunno its hard to explain .
The feeling of beeing ina flow state where you can feel free and just realese is probably one of the most regenerating thigs that I can do. I can just let my mind free to think abnd feel in a way that it feels connected to something greater than me. I force that is more subtle that I can explain with words. It’s a force that wacthes over oyu and places small and subtle hints in your view. Its up to you though if you choose to listen to it. It’s a feeling that your guided and watched over. And if you get out of the way they’ll guide you to exactly where you want to be . All you have to do is surrender to that feeling and let it wash over you at time. Letting that energy in to nurture yourself , your soul , your mind .
Also side note to reflect on too. My procrastination obstacle. There is a reason i’m running into it so often and its only going to get worse if I don’t address it. So the problem I want to diagnose is the source of my procrastination. The reasons I want to reflect on this is because I feel like its holding me back from a lot of opportunity in my life. I feel like If I let it go I’ll be able to continue my growth . And another part of me is sad to let it go at the same time. It still feels like it’s a part of me yet not at the same time. Like a shell to shed. So I commit to not procrastination for 1 day a week . A full day a week where no task is procrastinated on & no procrastination touch points are created.
Stay Humble , Stay Blessed,
Weekly Reflection # 3
Lot’s to write about this time round to lets make it snappy.
New job yay!
Alright so i just finished my training with my new job and man was it intense. I learned a lot about sales and I started to see how it applies to so much more than just the job. The skills I learned are transferable to anything you do outside of the workplace. The ability to sell an idea, product , pitch, anything really and be able to garner support for that idea is critical. I started my first 2 days solo selling and it was definitely tough for me. I struggled a lot with trying to master the pitch while trying to handle all the other curveballs that are thrown at you at the same time. So it’s definitely a hard job. But the thing that I like the most is that it’s challenging me . It’s pushing me to grow into the person that I need to become. The people I’m surrounded by at work are incredible people who strive to push themselves and others around them to be the best they can be and more. I really like that about the job. I have a lot of work to do and I’m definitely on the rigth path towards in my progress. I;m about to start my first full week solo and I’m mentally and physically preparing myself to kill it out in the field.
Opportunities to grow
This job is all about the opportunity and it’s been emphasized multiple times that there is a lot of opportunity within this job. To grow yourself personally and professionally. It’s teaching me a lot of valuable skills that I can take with me once I leave. Some things that are presenting themselves as bridges to growth within the job are. My personality and communication skills. My mindset and attitude maintenance. My willingness to learn and ability to maintain my work ethic. I currently wrestle with the idea of indifference. It’s something that will be ongoing and continues to improve day by day. The skill of being indifferent while being a salesperson is a very fine line. It’s hard for me to identify what I need to do to stay on that line right now but I am going to find out those parameters to stay within.
This will not be easy…
As I get more used to the job I can see that it will not be a walk in the park. I recognize that In order for me to succeed in this job I have to be willing to put in the work in order to get myself where I need to be . I won’t accept myself not giving it 100% everyday that I come into the office. I am not here to fuck around. I am here to create wealth for me both physically, mentally , financially , and spiritually. I am here to create abundance within myself and train myself to see the abundance in my everyday life. I know that this next 6 months is going to be a grind and I’m okay that and have accepted it. I know that I will have to face obstacles that will be extremely uncomfortable for me to face. And I have accepted that the only way to reach my goals is to push myself past those obstacles and see the other side. I realize that I have to seize the opportunity that is presented to me and take full advantage of it while I;m here. I realized that I have to focus and be willing to fail and be rejected and face not pleasant emotions. I have accepted the fact that I will have to sacrifice a lot of things that I lean on for comfort and leave those behind in order to become the person I need to be . I realize that I have very ambitious goal ahead of me and that I have to be willing to give up comfort and step into uncomfort to make those goals a reality. I am willing , I am determined .
This next 6 months is going to be a very long hike up a very big mountain. I will have to remain focused on each step in front of me and remain calm in face of the tremendous obstacles before me . I am a warrior and I am affirming to both myself and the powers that be . That I Am committed to walking the path set before me. I am a fucking badass for undertaking this goal set before me and I am a boss for taking the first steps necessary.
This is an affirmation , and declaration of my intent to achieve these goals . May gratitude, and equanimity guide my way.
Stay Humble, Stay Blessed
Weekly Reflections # 2
Wow haven’t done this for a while. I really stepped off the train tracks since my last one . I’m starting to get back into doing these. I forget how valuable they are to me to do. Lot’s has happened since my last reflection but that’s not the purpose of this one , we can save that for another post. For now let’s stick with what has happened this week.
Interviews on interviews brochacho….
Yeah the title pretty much sums it up a majority of it. I had lot’s of interviews today and wanted to make sure that I was going into the right job. Because after being locked in a contract with my last job I learned my lesson with company culture being important. I realized that I’ve actually grown a lot since I first started looking for jobs like this. It’s been a while since I’ve had to update my resume, and send out applications to places. Looking back on it though , it was really what I needed. I really needed just a solid reboot and reconnect with myself . There was a little bit of a withdrawal phase after leaving the university to be honest. It felt like I had lost a part of myself and left it behind at the University. The phase afterwards though was really uncomfortable because I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. It’s comparable to the feeling of when you get off of a rollercoaster , your still kinda dazed from how crazy it was , and are readjusting to solid ground. That’s what the past 2-3 months have felt like. Now after all the interviews I’ve had and the holidays just starting I can finally kick back and relax. I’m excited to start a new chapter of my life and see where it takes me. I’m so grateful for all the opportunities that are given to me and are available for me. Life really is abundant if you know where to look and how to see it.
Lobsters grow by leaving their old shell behind
This week I’ve been really feeling that Im stepping into a new version of myself that I;ve spent the past couple of months in a workshop building . I started with an idea in my head, started to sketch drafts, then started to see what materials I needed , then started to execute the small steps in order to complete the build. Many of the things I’ve been asking for and the questions I’ve been asking are coincidently being answered as time goes on. It feels good to be back to in my “self” I guess. I spent a lot of time up in the clouds looking down and slowly coming back down to ground. I just needed the space to step back on my whole life and see it for the biggest picture that it is.
It’s all habits….
Other than that some goals I have to develop simple keystone habits for everything else to grow out of. I’ve been reading a book called the Power of Habits by Charles Duhigg .After about 1/2 of the book I have a new lense to see myself now. Some plans' I have are that I’m starting with my reflections again. I got some paper for printing ( My own printer ! ) so I can print off my reflection and morning sheets to write. I’m going to approach the creation of the morning routine like a strategy. I’m going to insert each one , one at a time , and establish each one before I move onto the next one. The book said that each habit has 3 components , a cue, a routine , and a reward. The key is to identify what each of those are and create a new habit using those foundational principles. Now If i want to create my morning journaling a habit , I have to create a cue , lets start with my alarm on a certain sound . I have an app that makes it so you have to take a picture of something for it to turn off. Knowing me in the morning I’m pretty god damn lazy , so I’m going to make the picture the paper to reflect on , as well as the location downstairs somewhere. the routine will be writing in the journal , the reward will be iced coffee in the morning …. yes…. I’m down for this. I can do that . sounds reasonable.
Anyways that’s my weekly reflection . The date is December , 24th , 2018. Next one due @ Dec , 31 , 2018.
Stay Humble , Stay Blessed
Further Introspection
This is something that has been on my mind for a while and I have a really vague answer but can’t really pin it down to anything. I have interests in photography , art, making videos, all these things . I still don’t know what “it” is though. What is it that keeps me on this path of creation?
I still search for the answer to that question . What is it that drives me to create? Why do I love the process of creating something so much? What can I specialize in? Should I specialize? So many fucking questions. They get overwhelming at times. Sometimes I don’t know how I’ll ever get all the answers to my questions, but I leave it up to faith. I know that the answer to the questions I have have been planned and arriving before I even asked. Maybe the act of asking sets forth into motion the process. I don’t know .
I do know one thing though, that’s I have an eye or vision that keeps getting clearer and clearer. And it pulls me towards it day by day. I don’t know what that look like but I feel it getting stronger.
Stay Humble, Stay Blessed
Reasons for my standards
Recently I’ve been trying to create standards in which to live my life by. Some standards I currently hold myself too are.
45 minutes of reading a day
meditation for 1 hour total a day
5 things I’m grateful for everyday
Go to the gym at least once a week
Do an end of week reflection
Reasons for reading
Why I want to commit to reading for 45 minutes a day is because I want to open my perspective to other peoples ideas through reading. There is so much to be learned through reading books . It’s so interesting to be able to see the world through another persons eyes and take learnings from it to apply into your own life. I find myself having a every growing reading list to get through and slowly but surely I cross them off my list. I also love to collect books and build up a library for myself in the future. Who knows? Maybe I need to refer back to something I read in a book a while back that might be more relevant to my current life then when I read it in the first place. Also reading books helps me expand my vocabulary and helps me to express myself better through words . This helps my communication skills in my everyday life.
Reasons for meditation
Why I commit to meditation everyday is because I gain a lot of clarity into my life during meditation. It helps me be more calm and collected in my everyday life. I become more self aware of my own thoughts and am able to manage them. I notice myself just happier in my everyday life the more that I meditate. Things don’t bother me as much anymore. I become more understanding when talking with other people. I have become more giving and compassionate. My overall quality of life has gone up so much since I started meditation. I do slip at times and forget to do it in a day because of what happened in the day or If i was really busy. I will carve out time in my schedule to do it because its really a self care thing and helps me remain grounded in my life.
Reasons for gratitude list
This may seem like a no brainer but it has really helped me to not have such a negative mindset in my life. That’s doesn’t mean I don’t have negative thoughts from every now and then but I am able to turn it around more quickly. Also being grateful for the things in my life has shifted me from focusing on the things I don’t have to the things that I do. This has helped me come to appreciate the things I have in my life a lot more . It also makes me be able to understand negative situations better. Like if something bad happens in my day I’ll be able to see how the experience has helped me grow into a better person . I can see how this seemingly negative event or experience is actually a good thing . Despite however uncomfortable the situation is.
Reasons for the gym once a week
This is kinda a no brainer but I’m am getting back into going to the gym regularly again. I am coming back into it much more mindful and aware of why I’m there. I want to bring myself to a place where I can overcome the limitations that I set myself in a physical way. A lot of the times I don’t want to go and I talk myself out of it or let things on my to do list pile up and avoid it. So I commit to going once a week so that I can slowly raise that bar instead of having unrealistic expectations of myself. I am an overachiever in some areas of my life and this causes me to set the bar so high at times that anything I do can’t ever meet that and I get discouraged from trying again. What I’ve learned recently though from a book I’m reading . Is that setting the bar low and slowly raising it up as your skills progress is a much more sustainable way of growth. This way that standard slowly rises and I feel good by overcoming my limitations little by little each time. I find that when I do this It feels alot better when I achieve my goals and create new ones.
That’s it for today.
Stay Humble , Stay Blessed
Weekly Reflection
Wow what a week. Quite a lot has happened during this week. Some highlights to the week are that I booked my tickets to go to Toronto for the open house at the film school. This is something that I really want to try my hand at. My parents keep telling me to find something that I can make money in. I understand that part , but I’ve been looking for something to really make me feel alive when I do it. I am just really curious as to what it is. There’s also my art too. Trying to find balance as a artist and finding something that will help me feel fulfilled. So I think it’s time to start asking the right questions.
Questions I have :
What impact do I want to make on people?
How can I tap into my passion and cultivate my talent?
What is it that I want to do?
Why do I want to be a filmmaker?
Do I really want to be a filmmaker?
What is it that I truly want?
What is it that I like doing?
How can I connect to my true authentic self?
Do I go travelling instead?
Where would I travel too?
Where do I want to take my art?
What doubts do I still have?
What beliefs are holding me back?
How can I let go of those limiting beliefs?
What is it that ties all my interests together?
What common thread ties all my hobbies and passions together?
How can I become my fullest most authentic self?
What fears do I hold onto?
How can I become more aware of myself?
How can I come to know myself better?
What parts of my life have been lived according to what others think I should do rather than what I want to do?
Am I overthinking this?
Should I just remain present and the right things will come at the right times?
How can I tie all my interests together ?
Is tying all my interests even possible?
What is it that gets me hooked on creativity so much?
How can I inspire others to be more creative in their everyday lives?
What can I do to more strongly embody that creativity and be a model for others?
What fields can I be most creative?
What am I willing to suffer for?
What am I willing to struggle for to grow my skills?
What experiences do I want to have?
What things do I want to learn?
How can I learn to be more vulnerable to others and myself?
What is it that drives me?
Should I be asking this many questions?
Am I asking the right questions?
How do I know if I’m asking the right questions?
Answers will come in time
Stay Humble , Stay Blessed
Post-Thought
Yesterday was my last day working at the university. Gotta say it felt kinda weird, I knew the day was coming for so long yet I had never really accepted it until the actual day came. It felt solemn , Like my time had come and I’d done a lot of good work there . It was time for me to move onto another chapter in my life. I learned so much there, mostly about myself. Throughout my time there I had changed so much as a person.
Maybe this is what growth feels like. Growing older….wiser… Having to leave people behind that you cherish and value. Not everyone is on the same path , I realized this yesterday. I have a destiny and life I want to create. It was a very dignified goodbye. I will miss the team that’s for sure.
Right now I’m in a state of both freedom and paralyzation. I’m in a kinda limbo in-between things. It’s a space for me to reflect and breathe in-between notes. If I was to compare to this to something , It’s that space between chapters in a book. Nothing is said, there isn’t any extra information. It’s just empty space. It leaves off with a cliffhanger or punchline from the last chapter , and just about to start into the next chapter. Armed with what’s been read and understood in the past chapter , you have a slight idea of what to expect in the next chapter. As we all know though, the next chapter never goes out how we expect it too.
I have no idea what the future holds for me. I have a vision that I’m drawn to. I don’t fully know what it looks like yet but day by day it gets clearer of what that looks like. I know one thing that is for sure. It’s that I’ll get to create, to express, and to create art. I feel like now is a time for me to relax and be present. To be calm and return to my centre with my new knowledge. To connect to a part of myself that’s been guiding me this entire time. I feel it , deep inside . Not from anywhere physically but energetically. It feels like a coal that’s been patiently brewing waiting to start a fire. Sitting buried underneath the ashes burning. It’s been sitting overnight , remnants of the night before. Now the morning has come and its time to rekindle the fire. And I’ve been patiently waiting for a long time for this morning to come. Now it’s time.
What a time to be alive. I know I say this a lot but , one year ago . I was just about to drop out of University . I was sick of the education system there. Then I joined the College of Discovery, Creativity, & Innovation. It was a steep learning curve at first. I learned about communication and how to voice that with other people. I learned what it was like to be part of an organization. I learned how to execute a creative vision and bring it to life. I learned a lot of things there. I was pushed and found parts of myself that I never knew were there. I never knew that I would enjoy making videos so much. I didn’t know I would enjoy the art of making videos. I didn’t know it could lead me to going to Toronto to check out a film school . I didn’t know a lot of things. It helped steer towards what I want to know though. And that’s made all the difference.
Stay humble, Stay blessed.
Creating Definitions
I have a big chunk of free time coming up soon. I want to spend it really clarifying the things I want in my life. I haven’t really taken any time to do things like this in a while . Not since the Tony Robbins seminar I went to during the seminar. Honestly I had unrealistic expectations of the seminar. I thought my life would take a complete 180 after going but something else happened during that time. It made me take a small shift towards a positive direction. Ever since then my life is dramatically improved in just my overall well-being and I’m so grateful.
What do I want to get out of life?
So my plan is to take 3 days at a cabin in the woods and do some HARD work to define my goals and the things I want out of life. I’m going to prepare a list of things to work on and bring some things to help me relax too. The purpose of this trip will be to really give myself clarity on the things I want out of life, where I want to go , and my goals. I’ll be bringing a couple books to help me with this as well as some music too. I don’t want to bring any distractions with me though. I want to be focused on the goal and purpose of the trip. This journal entry will help me with that. One of the reasons why I’m doing this is because I’ve kinda just been bumbling through life and always reacting to things as they come. I’m really tired of that I want to take more control and ownership for what happens in my life. Create the life I’ve always wanted and do the things I’ve always dreamed about. I don’t know what happened to me where I just let people tell me how to live my life , or let society dictate what I should do. I don;t want to be lazy and let others think for me. I have so many dreams and visions that I want to breath life into. Doing that starts with me writing down everything that I want for myself. It starts with me , my internal world.
Subconscious reprogramming
Another reason why I’m taking this trip to the middle of nowhere and doing this is to work from the inside out to change my life. I “say” I want a lot of things but I really make no effort to work towards those goals at times. Some I do , others I don’t. It makes me think whether some of the goals I have are even mine in the first place? I don’t know the answer to those questions yet but that’s what I want to spend time to work on.
One thing that has always scared me about growing up is for a large majority of my life. I;ve been surrounded by a lot of adults (not all :) )that seem to not be happy. That seem to have lost hope in their dreams. That’s a scary thing. It always made me fear growing up. It always made me fear that If I became an “adult” I would be like that too. What I realized though is that my life doesn’t have to be like that when I grow up. I have the power to make that change. I have the power to create a life that I’m proud and happy to wake up everyday . I have the power to create a huge change and impact people’s lives in a better way. I have that power to do anything I want . I have the power to create whatever I want. I have the power to change peoples lives. That is something that is very possible for me. I already have it, It’s just a matter of time. It’s just a matter of time….
Life is a beautiful journey
Recently I’ve been feeling more connected , to what ? I can’t really explain. But It’s a feeling of peace and guidance that I feel. Through my own work and through my own power I’m learning to take control of my own life. I’m slowly stopping blaming others for things that happen to me. I’m beginning to see that the things that are happening to me are a result of my own actions. I see now that the things that I judge in others are actually a reflection of me . I see now that gratitude helps shift me out of a lot of negative moods and emotions. I see that life is a grand journey of self creation and incredible potential and opportunities to create a greater and deeper love for oneself. Anyways I gotta sleep and meditate soon. Good night .
Stay Humble, Stay Blessed.
Career & Meditation Benefits
I haven’t written in here a while and I miss it to be honest. I get a level of deep self reflection everytime I do a journal entry. I’ve learned a lot since I wrote here last. It’s crazy to think just how much one can learn in a short period. It doesn’t seem like much because of the day to day but it really starts to add up over time.
Recently I’ve been doing a lot of contemplation and thinking about what I want to do with my career/life. I’ve found myself returning to what I liked to to as a child. Which was watch movies with my dad. Every week I remember that we would always go to blockbuster and buy a movie to watch as a family. It was mostly my dad and me that would pick the movies. My mom would be okay with whatever. It was mostly me and my dad watching them anyways. But it was one of my favourite activities to do with my family. We really didn’t know much about Canada and what people did as hobbies or activities. It really helped me learn english and I loved how many different kinds of movies there were. I’d say my favorite genre back then were comedies and horror. I love horror because of my obsession with halloween and comedies because they were so funny. I kinda see how some of that now has shaped who I am today. Anyways back on topic to why I’m writing about this in the first place.
I’ve been looking for a career path to take that would bring me joy and something that I’m passionate about. All the jobs I’ve taken up to this point have been because I had no other better option or I was just going with what was presented to me at the time. I want to try something that I can combine my love of science and art. I love the precision and calculations of science, but I also the the creativity and freedom art provides. I’ve always had a hard time trying to combine the two into something I can actually make a living out of. It’s come to that point in life where I am slowly starting to find my place in the world and hone in on what it is that I want to do. It’s not really a comfortable place to be in one’s life I’ll tell you that. Not really knowing what your doing or why starts to eat away at your mind if you don’t address it.
It’s kinda like what I heard in an audiobook that I’m listening to. The quote what “what you resist persists, what you look at disappears” My interpretation of what that means is , the things that you ignore and don’t address will only get worse as you ignore it. However as soon as you face something that’s been bugging you, head on. It tends to melt away. Funny how concepts that I hear in this book and what I see in my everyday life link so heavily to my meditation practice.
I haven’t been doing much dedicated 1 hour sits recently but I;ve been doing more meditation in my day to day routine. I do it on the train or when I’m doing a simple task. I feel like I can be fully involved in whatever I’m doing at the time. I’m not worrying about anything ( most of the time) . Life has started to become less of a struggle and more of a flow now. I still run into mental blocks whenever I encounter situations that I don’t expect or enjoy but I’m learning how to take it with stride and just move past it quicker. I’m starting to have more control over my mental and emotional state. I notice myself become more loving and compassionate towards other people. Most importantly though , I’m more loving to myself. I start to enjoy my own company more. I judge myself less. I understand my emotions much better. Overall my quality of life has improved.
Speaking on that , I have no doubt that I’ll end up in the right career. I already am in the right one. It becomes a stepping stone to get to where I need to be. Another turn in the road so to speak. Anyways I;m about to get some sleep and do my nightly meditation. I’m glad I did this today, I feel a lot better and at ease doing this . Night.
Stay Humble, Stay Blessed.
Slow and steady growth
Today consisted of me reading, arting, and hanging out with 2 friends today.
First I went to a cafe and did a couple of reading and met up with a friend. We got to talking and I realized that we both are closer to each other than I thought. We had a deep insightful conversation about life and where we wanted to go and it was nice. Looking back on it it was a good conversation to have to just hear life from another perspective. I don’t really have much to reflect on it as I was just kinda in a flow state during it. We talked a bit about how there are ideals about masculinity floating around society that we seem to prescribe to. There seems to be the idea that in order to be a “man” you have to be tough and be stoic and be overly muscular. To be honest I find some of that to be bullshit. I find a lot of societal beliefs to be bullshit actually. I’m reading a book right now and it opens up with how we should actually question the beliefs that we have and actually assess the whether or not they empower us or are true. Before. I didn’t really understand what he meant by this when I read it. Now that I go over it again with a fresh set of eyes I can see what he means by that. There is so many beliefs that are either outdated or are disempowering floating out there and we believe them due to a whole host of reasons. One thing that is lacking though is that we don’t question them and accept them blindly through various means. Seeing how this relates to my own life I saw how I’ve started to do this with my own life and assessing what I believe to be true. The process of doing this is not comfortable as sometimes I’ve had to let go of beliefs that I’ve held true since I was a child. However while your a child is when your most susceptible to accepting beliefs blindly. So in a way you almost have to work backwards from where you are now into the past in order to create yourself a better future.
Second part of the day I spent making some art on a random wall I found. I forget how cathartic making art is and how good it feels to just free your mind for a while and just create freely with no restrictions or boundaries. While making the strokes and painting on the wall. I felt like I was slowly breaking out of the box I had created for myself. I saw this when I was drawing on the wall I decided to step away from the usual patterns I was making and made something completley new. This process is synonomous with what I’ve been doing recently with my own life and my art has begun to reflect that. It’s almost as if the art that I make becomes a reflection of me. As my art evolves so do I , and as I evolve so does my art. It’s pretty much a symbiotic process that is mutually beneficial. The same is also true though that If I become stagnant so does my art. The more that I reflect and engage with art the more and more that I begin to understand it. The issue that I struggled with before was that I would not continue my art because I felt stagnant and bored. What I realized today though is that by actually making the art and pushing myself to make it I actually push myself out of the stagnation and boredom. While I was painting on the wall it felt incredibly freeing. To just create and be in the present moment with the art. I was in a state of flow for on and off periods. But when I was I felt no need to worry about anything or felt rushed , I just felt like where I was at that very moment was where I needed to be.
Thirdly I had conversations with a good friend of mine where we talked alot about how our meditations were going and what changed we noticed as we progressed with our practice. One thing that I’ve been noticing , and I might’ve addressed this in earlier entries is that, I’ve begun to notice subtler and subtler things in my everyday life that give my insight into my surroundings. For example I can read the subtle cues of people in what they say and their micro-expressions . From that I can get clues into what is going on in their mental state. It’s very interesting how a very simple practice can lead to profound changes in ones everyday life. I’ll continue to practice daily and strengthen my discipline in it. The meditations have much to teach me and I have much to learn. Last thing before I sign off, I REALLY love how doing the morning and evening meditation , It acts like a cap and start to my day. It doesn’t matter what happened in the day or anything. I can always have that hour of pure peace and equanimity at the start and end of my day. I’m starting to really look forward to it now everyday. Anyways that’s my reflections on what I’ve learned today.
Stay Humble, Stay Blessed.
Old friends from the past into new beginnings
Today is friday and now I’m wrapping up the week. I had a good week. Although it was pretty slow at work. Driving home I had an insight that I could ask any other of my team members if they needed help or support with any projects they were working on. I’ll definitely be asking that for next week.
Got back into making my mindful minute videos. I want to be really careful that It’s just a reflection of what I learned and not trying to preach to other people. It’s definitely a discipline to keep up the videos and to keep doing them. It’s a practice and I have to keep it up. I’ll try to write in topics that stick out to me during the day. On that note keeping a ntoebook with me is huge and I find it really valuable. However I don;t write any reflections during the day if I don’t have it around with me. Earlier this week when I had my notebook with me on Thursday I believe. I was able to write down my insights and things that stuck out to me in my mind. Where as when I dont have my ntoebook around I’m more inclined to keep everything in my head. That’s one thing that I’m trying to work on as well. I tend to get caught up in my head a lot and my meditation and my awareness has really helped a lot with that (Thank you Vipassana) . I found myself this week not doing very much of the meditation as I had liked due to my schedule and letting other things eat into it. I really didn’t like doing that as it’s something that I keep really dear to me and I don’t want to give that up because I didn’t want to leave early. So moving ahead in the future I will be more strict on letting other things get in the way of my daily practice.
Today I also visited a good friend of mine and we caught up a little bit. He’s going through a lot and has lots of stress on him . All I could provide was an ear to listen and give my compassion to him. He uses humor as a mask , I can tell . He worries about his dad and his family is not stable. His brother as abandoned him and he struggles at work. All I want to do is tell him its okay and things will get better. He needs it. At the same time though that won’t fix anything. I don’t know what it is about me sometimes. I know what the issue is with him but I just don’t have the heart to say it . Is it my place to tell him how to live his life? No. In a way I feel like he knows what it is deep down but he just hasn’t admitted it to himself yet. Even while talking to him I thought to myself for a bit , what is this meant to teach me here? He just needs a friend, a true friend. He’s like a brother to me. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without him. He treats me like family. And if I’ve learned anything from life is that keep those close to you that treat you like family . They are the ones that really care. And by family I don’t mean they are blood related or live with you. I mean the people that will back you up and are there for you 100%. The people that you chose to be your family.
Stay Humble , Stay Blessed.
Being present
I’m really starting to see the benefits of being in the present moment. Even though im not 100% present all the time. I am able to maintain for good chunks of time. I notice that every task I do or anything I work on become much easier . For example I’m reading a book today and my entire attention was focused on the book. In the past I would read a couple lines , get distracted by my own thoughts and have to back track in the book . It was a huge roadblock when it came to reading for me. Now I can just read what I’m reading and I don’t have to worry about losing focus or my attention because I’m fully invested into what I’m doing at that present moment. If I’m cooking I’m focused on the cooking and I begin to notice more. I notice smells more, the environment. It’s almost as if by paying more attention to the present moment , each moment becomes richer. It becomes full and alive of life.
For example I’m walking out the Walmart today with my groceries. The sky was beautiful, the clouds just looked amazing. It was a moment of awe. Before I would just look straight ahead and go straight to my car without even looking at anything. Yet the clouds were always there, but I just never noticed them.
I’m noticing myself that I pick up subtle cues now from things in my everyday life. One thing was when I heard Ehsan talk about the books he was interested in , I noticed he started with Taoism first. I talked to him today about a book he might find interesting and he said that was the book he was going to suggest when it came time for his turn. And I really like that aspect that the meditations have given me. I pick on subtle cues from my surroundings , It’s like life has shifted completely yet has stayed the same. I love it
Stay Humble, Stay Blessed.
Happiness = reality - expectations
Today was another day. I learned a lot today. I'm starting to learn more and more as I progress with my meditations and become more observant. I am really starting to see the benefits of my meditation. The progress is very steady and at just the right pace. I understand why the technique shouldn't be mixed with anything and should be kept in its purity. Any substances you use to accelerate your insight are not gained by your own work. It's given to you by an external source and I really like that philosophy.
Recently I've been trying to deal with my financial issues and I've struggled with it for a while. I was constantly just barely scraping by and with the amount I was being paid it's not much but I managed to get by. I was at the gas station today and I got the insufficient funds message. My reaction to the message was much different than how i used to react. Instead of panicking and freaking out about how I had not enough money. I just saw it and asked "why?" I tracked down the root of it to my bank account and I realized that my insurance and car payment came out on the same day. So about 600$ at once. It may not be that much to some people but to me that is a big chunk. I didn't freak out but I just adjusted my situation and handled it. On the way home I was thinking about a solution to my financial problem and an insight came to me that I never thought of before. I realized that because I lived so far I had been taking my car to work everyday. I did a quick calculation and I saw that I had been spending about 20$ in gas everyday. 10$ to get to work , 10$ to get back. If you weren't paying attention it wouldn't seem like much at first . But 20$ a day over a month that's about 400$ a month in just gas. What the fuck. How have I not seen this before.? That doesn't even include the weekend. And now with my meditation I require less sleep. I can take the train and save SO MUCH. I can start paying back my debts I can start saving money. I can start allievieting all this stress I;ve been having over my financial issues. What's a 100$ transit pass per month vs 500$+ in gas? I mean that's a huge saving . Plus I can meditate on the train , I can read books, Listen to podcasts, I can sleep if I want to. Its such a huge benefit for me. Plus during the winter I wont have to use MORE gas to just get around. I can also avoid traffic too. Such a good idea. The benefits from the meditation practice are so subtle yet so huge.
I also hung out with my friends today and I was just able to chill and relax. I was just enjoying being in the present moment. My thoughts didn't really drift anywhere. I could just be present with the friends I call family. Something I used to always expect was for my friends to be perfect & have no flaws. I've realized that I've come to love the flaws and no one is perfect. The flaws are really features , and make them who they are. I in no way am perfect. I'm a flawed human being just like everyone else and that's okay. I make mistakes , I don't always make the right choices . But I learn from every choice I make. And it leads me in the right direction. I have trust in myself that I'll lead myself to a future where I can make positive impact on peoples lives and live a happy life. There's nothing I love more than bringing a smile to other peoples faces. Making others more happy and have more fulfiling lives would be nice. All it takes is patience. And i'm okay with that. Life moves at a pace that is juuuust right for me. No faster , no slower . Meditation has taught me a lot of these lessons. It's taught me to hold onto that space of peace within me and use that to guide me to the right place. It's taught me to live life and enjoy every single moment as it passes and the next one enters . Seamlessly like the frames of a movie. Moment to moment , Iife's moment's are shared with the friends around me and I get to enjoy the journey I call life. And what a gift it is to be able to experience it. This life is a gift given to me , so why not spend it in a state of gratitude? Sure life isn't perfect all the time , but we aren't either so why expect life to be? I'm still learning how to be in that state of gratitude constantly. Everyday it becomes easier. And my purpose becomes clearer and clearer each and everyday. Bless this life.
Stay humble , Stay blessed.
Tearing down the walls of my ego.
I'm starting to see how beneficial it is to have a reflective practice. It really gets you to break down your day into significant events and really deepend what you learned during the day.
Today at work we had a hectic day. We had the open house expo and I had to talk to so many students and people. I was pretty anxious at first. I felt like I had to know everything and that I had to have all the answers. But really , that was my ego coming into play again. It went really well as soon as I got out of my head and let myself go. I was able to connect with a lot of students than I did last year. I also felt much more comfortable in my own skin so to speak compared to last year. I was able to hone in to the sweet spot of what to say and how to say it much quicker. I also noticed the group dynamic between everyone at the booth was much more fluid. Lisa was laughing and having a lot of fun. Tania was just hanging out and relaxing. Jessica seemed at ease dealing with all of the people. It seemed like a really fluid environment. Reflecting back on it now , I realize how much I've grown as a person since last year. So much has happened and I never thought I would be where I am now. Coming to this realization now I realize that the stress I had about what I'm going to do when my contract ends doesn't really matter. In the end things always work out despite the roadblocks. And what Lisa said is right. I am a resilient person, this isn't me being egotistical but just that this is a part of my character. I noticed Anne-Marie was more open to me as we were standing there talking to the students. For a moment I wondered why and I realized it was because we had a moment at the printer for a bit where we were able to connect. I shared my anxiety about what to do with my future and how I am trying to find my place in the world. I opened up to her, and doing so she opened up to me. For so long at work, I wondered why I felt so distant from everyone at work. Then I started to get into my head and started overthinking the shit out of everything. Then I made myself depressed because of what I was thinking. But really deep down. The truth is. I just don't open up to people. That is a cause of a lot of my issues when it comes to connecting with people I expected that other people should open up to me and that's that. Again Ego in the way. It's such a subtle thing now that I reflect on it. In the future I'll be more open to other people. It's such a liberating feeling. I don't have to restrict who I am out of fear of looking different.
These meditations are starting to teach me that. I feel more open to other people, I feel more connected. I feel more loving. And it's such a good feeling. To be more compassionate, more caring, more loving. It almost feels alien, yet familiar. I guess over the past couple of years I've started to work towards that. In my past, I built up such huge walls, built an internal castle around myself and locked myself in. Out of fear, fear of being rejected, fear of being hurt again, fear of things that never existed. It's a lot of work to rip something down you've spent your entire life building up. And it's funny how sometimes the only way forward is to move back.
That's my reflection for today.
Stay Humble, Stay Blessed.
Meditation Log #1
Pre-Meditation
Just about to do my evening 1 hour sit to cap the day off. I decided to do a journal to log my progress. I'd like to see what my mindset is before and after. I'm looking for a good or bad thing . I'm just observing objectively what is going on in my mind. There are no good or bad meditations , just meditations.
Currently I'm feeling a lot better reintegrating into modern life again. I had some difficulties yesterday but I'm starting to understand what the sits are meant to teach me. I find I am much more open to things now. I don't immediately place my judgement on things or blindly react to as many things as I used to. Today I lose my phone but I didn't really freak out as much as I thought I would. I just noticed , "Oh my phone is missing, lets backtrack to where we can find it" . It was a very observe then act type of mindset. And I feel so much more in control.
In terms of my progress with my Vipassana meditation , the sensations are not as intense as they were when I was at the meditation camp. Understandable at first that frustrated me and I was angry at why I had lost so much progress. I came to the realization that the dulling of the sensations coming back are meant to teach me something. Slowly those insights are coming to me. Currently my head is very active with intense sensations, a very strong has been circling on my chin & I feel it even when I'm not in meditation. I'm not sure yet what this sensation is, I don't crave it's presence nor do I want it to go away. I'm objective to it yet it stays. I continue to observe it and see what it is meant to teach me , if anything. My back is quite cloudy currently along with my chest area. Anyways time to sit.
Post-Meditation
Just finished the sit. I feel at peace. I wasn't focused on being able to hold the position for an hour anymore rather my attention was focused on the meditation itself. For a little bit at the end of the meditation I stopped looking for sensations and was just present . I just sat there and observed my entire body as a whole. It definitely was a new experience , i'll be doing a combination of this as well as the part by part scanning to see what happens.
Coming back to society & meditation progress
Coming back from the meditation retreat is hard. I find myself working to build bridges between conflicting realms of thought. During the retreat I spent a lot of time in the feeling side of thinking. Coming back to my work and society , I've had to heavily dive into my logical/analytical side of thinking. My mind is working to create bridges between those realms of thought. It's hard to create words to something I felt. My logical mind needs something concrete to hold onto while the other half is content with the abstraction of the experience. I strive for balance in everything I do & this past couple days reintegrating back into life has been a war in my head.
However despite this I have made some progress with my meditation today. Getting back from the retreat with all the things I learned I began to get a little egotistical about what I knew and began to see anyone who didn't want to know about it as ignorant. Talking with my friend I was able to bring myself back down to earth and start to look for the wisdom in what people say.
Also another thing that I progressed in today was my vipassana meditation. I realize the power of patience as well as learning to detach from the feeling of posture pain during my meditation. I had struggled with it for a while & didn't know what I was supposed to do with the sensation. I neither was averting it nor was I craving it. I stayed patient in the face of dealing with it & wisdom came at the most unexpected time. I had been seen the pain as a part of me rather than seeing it from a objective point of view. That's something I'm still learning right now . Being able to detach from my own point of view is very difficult to do. Mostly because your not even aware that your in that point of view while inside of it. Each time I make progress I'm able to step back away from myself and see myself from an objective point of view. Each time I do I grow more as a person. I realized self insight somes at its own pace and that's okay. I was trying to rush things so much that it would cause me to regress in my meditation.
Stay Humble, Stay Blessed