I'm starting to see how beneficial it is to have a reflective practice. It really gets you to break down your day into significant events and really deepend what you learned during the day.
Today at work we had a hectic day. We had the open house expo and I had to talk to so many students and people. I was pretty anxious at first. I felt like I had to know everything and that I had to have all the answers. But really , that was my ego coming into play again. It went really well as soon as I got out of my head and let myself go. I was able to connect with a lot of students than I did last year. I also felt much more comfortable in my own skin so to speak compared to last year. I was able to hone in to the sweet spot of what to say and how to say it much quicker. I also noticed the group dynamic between everyone at the booth was much more fluid. Lisa was laughing and having a lot of fun. Tania was just hanging out and relaxing. Jessica seemed at ease dealing with all of the people. It seemed like a really fluid environment. Reflecting back on it now , I realize how much I've grown as a person since last year. So much has happened and I never thought I would be where I am now. Coming to this realization now I realize that the stress I had about what I'm going to do when my contract ends doesn't really matter. In the end things always work out despite the roadblocks. And what Lisa said is right. I am a resilient person, this isn't me being egotistical but just that this is a part of my character. I noticed Anne-Marie was more open to me as we were standing there talking to the students. For a moment I wondered why and I realized it was because we had a moment at the printer for a bit where we were able to connect. I shared my anxiety about what to do with my future and how I am trying to find my place in the world. I opened up to her, and doing so she opened up to me. For so long at work, I wondered why I felt so distant from everyone at work. Then I started to get into my head and started overthinking the shit out of everything. Then I made myself depressed because of what I was thinking. But really deep down. The truth is. I just don't open up to people. That is a cause of a lot of my issues when it comes to connecting with people I expected that other people should open up to me and that's that. Again Ego in the way. It's such a subtle thing now that I reflect on it. In the future I'll be more open to other people. It's such a liberating feeling. I don't have to restrict who I am out of fear of looking different.
These meditations are starting to teach me that. I feel more open to other people, I feel more connected. I feel more loving. And it's such a good feeling. To be more compassionate, more caring, more loving. It almost feels alien, yet familiar. I guess over the past couple of years I've started to work towards that. In my past, I built up such huge walls, built an internal castle around myself and locked myself in. Out of fear, fear of being rejected, fear of being hurt again, fear of things that never existed. It's a lot of work to rip something down you've spent your entire life building up. And it's funny how sometimes the only way forward is to move back.
That's my reflection for today.
Stay Humble, Stay Blessed.